If there was any doubt that being a Security Guard was interesting, look no further! These stories prove that the people that work in the security business are not playing around. Sometimes it's a bad parking job, but sometimes it's a sticky situation, or maybe an anaphylactic shock?? There's a surprise around every corner for these security professionals. Content has been edited for clarity.
“Demons With Feathers”
“My building was a mixed-use property. We had five office towers, a food court, and two floors of retail. One unique feature of our building was that on the second floor, we had an outdoor veranda that a lot of the office workers liked to sit on and eat lunch. It was very ‘concrete jungle’ as it was pretty much all cement & decorative rock with some benches and planters of greenery, but it was better than the food court.
Thing is, this was also in Canada… Where Canadian Geese like to nest pretty much anywhere they can find…
For those unfamiliar, Canadian geese will return to the same spot every year to nest and while they are a protected species (so you can’t touch, hurt or kill them or destroy their nests or eggs), they honestly don’t need that protection, they can handle it on their own. THEY ARE DEMONS WITH FEATHERS!!!
Every year, spring would roll around and like clockwork, we would get two or three pairs of geese on the veranda building their nests. So, we would simply lock the doors to the area and put up closed signs. We would call in a wildlife company that had special permission from the federal government to relocate geese & their nests, but they would often take a week or more to get around to us. Until then, the veranda was closed.
One day, the company that owned the building had a couple of big wigs in from another country for a big meeting and tour. Well apparently, the biggest big wig was not pleased that the veranda was closed and he demanded it be opened up so they could see it. The building Manager took an earful over it and then called me to come to unlock it.
I arrive and started to explain why the veranda was closed but i just got a very knowing look from the building manager, so I shrugged, unlocked it and held the door open for Biggest Wig. I decided to stick around and keep the door ajar and just wait…
It took a grand total of about a minute before I heard yelling and another 30 seconds or so before the entourage all came barreling back towards the door, in a full panic, running at full speed. As soon as they all made it through the door, I shut it just in time to keep three very angry, very violent geese from getting into the building.
While Biggest Wig was trying to smooth himself out while still extremely flustered, I locked the door and asked, ‘So, what do you think of the veranda?’
The look the building manager shot me looked like he was about to shove me onto the veranda with the geese, so I decided to quickly take my leave.”
“Bend Over And Spread”
“I work security at a hospital and we were having an issue with a patient for quite some time. He would show up whenever he wanted narcotics. He would eat things such as razor blades so he would be admitted to a room and then treated. One day, he came in for eating nails. He was also known for taping weapons to his body and sneaking them into the hospital. We were required to wand him every time he came in to be seen. The guard that was on duty didn’t do a good job at wanding him. After two days of being in his room, the nurse went to check in on him and found that he was cutting his balls off with a razor blade that he had taped to his taint. He then proceeds to try and attack the attending nurse with the blade. (She was not hurt). I ended up having to put him in restraints. We are now required to strip search him by doctors’ orders and a 24/7 watch when he is here as a patient.
The next time he came in to be seen, I was the lucky guy who got to strip-search him. Nothing like telling a 360 pound, 63-year-old man to bend over and spread. I ended up finding what seemed to look like a makeshift screwdriver in his rectum.”
Don’t Talk To Strangers
“I’m 99% sure I stopped a kidnapping attempt. I worked at a strip mall.
Earlier in the day, I saw a very creepy old van with stuffed animals in it parked in the back. No one was around so I just continued on my patrol. I thought maybe it was just some weirdo with weirdo car decoration tastes.
Later on in the day, I saw a mother and her son shopping. No big deal. Just regular folk.
During the next walkthrough, I saw the same mom sans son looking quite upset. I had a sinking feeling and I asked her if she lost her son. She said yes and looked at me like how did I know?
I immediately full-on sprinted my fat self to the back of the strip mall where that creepy van was. Lo and behold, I see Mr. Creepy Van Guy and the lost son. He’s holding a stuffed animal in his hand.
As soon as he saw me he goes defensive and says that he wasn’t doing anything. Yeah, sure buddy. He’s proclaiming his innocence as he’s starting up his van. The mom arrives, probably followed me when I ran and collects her son. Mr. Creepy Can Guy drives off, I don’t stop him. But I did memorize and write down his plates which I later gave to the cops.”
Streaking And Leaking
“I was working security at a large festival in the UK. We were doing spot checks of people’s wrist bands to catch anybody who had snuck in. After a while, you get good at spotting who is acting shifty and might not have a valid ticket.
There was one couple we stopped, the girl was fine but the dude took off as soon as we asked to see his wristband. He was only wearing a pair of shorts and as soon as he had a decent bit of space from us, he ducked into a tent. We all saw him go in and this tent only had one entry, so he was stuck in there with two of us standing outside talking to him and waiting for him to give up and come out (we weren’t permitted in the tents without an invitation or police).
Suddenly he darted out of the tent and took off again. This time with no clothes on. The shock factor meant he made it past us and suddenly we were chasing a random guy in his birthday suit around a campsite while calling it into control. This carried on for a few minutes until the response team arrived and there were now six members of security chasing this dude around a campsite. Eventually, one of the response team managed to get ahead of him and tackled him. At which point the dude peed himself and the guy who just tackled him.”
Should Have Just Parked Somewhere Else
“Years ago, I worked as a security officer in a high-traffic tourist area (graveyard shift).
One of my responsibilities was to make sure my building’s loading/unloading zone is kept clear because at all hours of the day we’ve got vehicles coming and going for people going to meetings, visitors, tourists, cabs, etc. The curb is painted white and marked in big bold letters LOADING AND UNLOADING ONLY NO PARKING. At the end of the zone, there was a single handicapped parking stall painted bright blue.
Now the building I worked at was nearby a few large nightclubs, so every Friday and Saturday the area would be crazy busy with fighting, vomiting, the occasional alleyway shenanigans, etc.
Clubbers would take advantage of my building’s valet parking service and pay to park in our garage before heading out to one of the clubs across the street.
Some clubbers would think they could get away with parking in our loading zone all night. My coworkers and I would aggressively patrol the area in the earlier evening hours, and advise as many people as we could so they’d leave and avoid getting a ticket. It was also better for us if they left because when there were too many vehicles parked out front, traffic would become a complete clusterbuck regardless of the time of day.
Most people would be grateful for the information and leave. Occasionally, some wank would laugh in our faces, say something about pigs or rent-a-cops or whatever and leave their car anyway. In those cases, we’d call our city’s parking enforcement and they’d get a $90 ticket for their troubles.
One Saturday night, after finished a round of patrols, I went to take a leak. On my way back out, I walked past Dispatch and my buddy calls me over to the surveillance bank.
‘Hey bro, you got one out front,’ he says.
I turned to the grainy feed just in time to see a piece-of-junk ’97 BMW sloppily parking in front of our building. I murmured that I’d go out and advise the driver, but before I could leave, the driver exited his vehicle.
My buddy and I watched in silence as the driver, a young black male adorned with flashy cheap bling, hiked his pants up at the crotch and blocked the path of a couple of girls walking by. He started hitting on them in the slimest way possible, even trying to grab their hands and bodies at one point, staring shamelessly at their chests while he was schmoozing them. He took out his phone and shoved it at them, presumably asking for their numbers.
Eventually, the girls were able to dodge his grabbers and ran off toward the club across the street. He repeated this routine several more times with various groups of girls walking by, even taking out a small bottle from his back pocket and offering swigs. With each rejection, he’d get angry and presumably cuss out the girls as they hurried off (our cameras didn’t pick up audio, but this seemed a reasonable assumption).
I sighed and looked at my buddy saying, ‘Well, I guess I’ll go talk to him.’
I made my way out to the front and approached him just as another group of girls ducked away from him. I called out to him. He turned and stared at me blankly.
‘Hey, man, just wanted to let you know that this zone is for loading and unloading. Normally it’s not a big deal to park for a bit but if everyone does it on the weekends, traffic gets backed up pretty bad here.’
The slime bag looked at his vehicle, then at my badge.
He began yelling obscenities at me. Every name you could think of, including slurs and calling me a ‘wanna-be cop.’
I looked at my watch. It was about 10:30 PM. I continued my spiel.
‘Parking enforcement here is pretty strict. You should move your vehicle or you might get ticketed–‘
The onslaught of slurs and cursing continued vehemently.
I finally said, ‘Have a good night sir.’
He flipped me off and went across the street, where he was promptly denied entry for dress code violations. He cussed out the bouncer and wandered off down the block. I walked over to his vehicle and saw that it was parked crooked, the rear of the vehicle partially blocking the lane of traffic. Half of his vehicle was in the white zone, the other in the blue zone. I keyed up my radio. (Eight million is me)
‘Eight million to dispatch.’
‘Eight million, go ahead.’
‘Can you call parking enforcement for this vehicle? Lemme know when you’re ready for the plate.’
Fifteen minutes later, the parking officer arrived. He looked at the vehicle and promptly issued a $90 ticket for parking in the white zone and a $900 ticket for parking in the blue zone without a permit.
I thanked the officer and went back inside to have a snack.
A couple of hours later, two of the local cops stopped by to say hi. Officer Morris and his partner walked over.
Officer Jones and I lit up our smokes as Officer Morris looked on disapprovingly. We all smoked and chatted for a bit, then I casually motioned over my shoulder at the BMW.
‘Hey, Jones, check out the parking job on that piece of junk.’
We all walked over to the corner and looked at the vehicle, the two tickets stuck on the windshield flapping in the wind. Officer Morris grabbed one of the tickets, read it over, and looked at me.
‘What’s the story here?’
I told them what happened and the driver’s response. Officer Jones and Morris looked at each other.
‘Eight million, you got the time?’ Morris asked.
‘Yeah, it’s… 12:27 AM.’ I replied.
‘Well it’s a whole new day now isn’t it?’ Officer Morris said.
Officer Morris proceeded to write another $90 ticket for the white zone, then another $900 ticket for the blue zone. He paused for a moment after finishing the second one.
‘Hey Jones, looks like this vehicle is parked more than twelve inches from the curb. What do you think?’ Morris continued.
‘Sounds about right,’ Jones replied.
Officer Morris wrote another ticket for $120 and slapped it on the pile of tickets on the windshield. I shook both officer’s hands and they left to continue their patrols.
The next few hours of my shift went by fairly quickly. Around 5:00 AM, Dispatch scared the life out of me.
‘HEY EIGHT MILLION, ARE YOU STILL ON THAT CALL?’
‘Negative, I just finished clearing it,’ I replied.
‘RESPOND TO DISPATCH ASAP.’
I ran down to the surveillance bank, where my coworkers were all gathered and laughing their heads off. Sunday was street cleaning day and the BMW was getting ticketed again by parking enforcement.
After that, we all stopped by Dispatch every five to ten minutes to see if the owner had returned. Finally, at about 6:00 AM, the slimebag came stumbling up the block, looking completely worn out. His formerly-white t-shirt was stained and dirty and it looked like he’d lost at least one fight.
We watched in suspense as he looked at the pile of tickets crammed together on his windshield and slowly removed them. He stood there, pants sagging below his knees, shuffling through each ticket as if he were a toddler with a handful of Pokémon cards.
With a look of abject defeat on his face, he got into his vehicle and drove off. The whole room erupted in laughter and high-fives.
As the laughter died down, I picked up the office phone and started dialing. My coworkers eyed me curiously. I put the call on speaker just as the call connected.
‘9-1-1, what is your emergency?’
‘Yeah, hi, I’d like to report a possibly wasted driver. I have the vehicle and driver description when you’re ready.’ I said.”
Well That’s Awkward
“I had a weird interaction with one in college. I’ve told this before, but one night I was really tipsy and hungry, but every place that delivered food was closed because it was like 4:00 am. Then I remembered that there was a McDonald’s like two to three miles from campus that I could walk to. I checked the website and it said it was open 24 hours, so I started to make my way.
As I got close to the student center on the edge of campus, I started second-guessing whether or not that McDonald’s was open 24/7 or not, so I decided to pop into the computer lab in the basement of the center (which was always open) to go online and check again.
The lights were off in the lab so I thought I would be the only person there, but when I entered the room and the lights came on I saw a security guard sitting at one of the computers. He was startled by me and scrambled to close the window he was looking at, which I could already tell was an adult video website.
I didn’t know how to react so I just sat down at a computer and didn’t say a word. He broke the awkward silence by getting up and he said, ‘Well, it’s about that time,’ and then made his way to the door. I still don’t know what exactly he meant by that but my response was just to nod and say yup.
That guard and I crossed paths quite a bit after that and it was always a little awkward, but at the same time we had this unspoken agreement about that night and he would always be nicer to me and let me off when others would have written me up for something I did.”
What A Doozy
“I worked at a theme park, and it was possible to pick up overtime working events (like massive graduation parties) as something called crowd control.
We knew all the spots people liked to get up to shenanigans in, and we had very specific instructions on how to deal with them. If we suspected somebody was squirreled away in a spot that was dark and/or too far away from other people, we were supposed to call to them to come out, and if they wouldn’t, go get one of the real security guards.
SO one of the spots was actually the roof of a gift shop that people could access if they climbed up a fake ‘hill’ that backed up to it. I was walking past the hill and I noticed something sparkly. I got closer and it was a woman’s shirt with sequins on it (I still remember exactly what that shirt looked like). Near that, I found two pairs of jeans, three sneakers, and a baseball cap.
So I yelled for them to come down and said I’d turn my back and leave the clothes by a fake rock that was up there. Both of them yelled back, cursed me out, and told me to mind my own business.
Alrighty then, let me go get the guard. Oh, and I’ll just take these clothes with me. Can’t leave guest property unattended!
The fun thing was that they hauled them into the security office, the a-hole hadn’t even let his girlfriend wear his shirt. She was crying in her bra and undies (that made me feel a little bit bad, but she was the one who said the nastiest things when I told them to come out) and he was wearing his shirt and boxers.”
“Why Didn’t You Stop Her?”
“First things first. I work for a third-party company that is usually contracted for more hands-on work. I used to be a roamer that handled any site that they needed a guard for at any given time. Recently, we got contracted for a medium-size hotel in a very busy area and they wanted me to be the permanent guard. This hotel is always very busy so there are numerous things that happen here. Just for reference, within the past month, I’d say I’ve had at least one serious incident and three minor incidents a week. Serious being things that require serious paperwork so I’m talking fights, serious medicals, and thefts.
Now that I’m in a hotel setting, within the month and a half I’ve been here, I’ve seen the medical calls shift from mostly overdoses to drinking-related medicals.
From passing out after ingesting half a bar’s worth of drinks to people jumping off of balconies in a wasted stupor. I’ve seen a lot of people do stupid stuff. But today my medical had nothing to do with drinking.
I was sitting at my podium in the lobby, watching cams and looking pretty, as per usual, when the desk phone screeched an alarm at me, signaling an emergency call somewhere in the building. Unfortunately, this notification is just that, a notification. I can’t actually listen to the contents of the call, even though it would make responding a billion times easier. Usually, it doesn’t matter because they’re almost always accidental calls but it would still be nice. I check the screen and write down the room number. Then I turned up my scanner’s volume and sat in wait for units to be dispatched to get some info of what’s going on.
Luckily, 99% of the time city dispatch will call either the security desk or the front desk and give out some basic information. Because of this, I almost always wait for them to call before going up just so I can know what I’m walking into or if I even should walk into it. Dispatch calls my phone this time and gives me a quick rundown.
A lady was having an allergic reaction to some shellfish she had been eating at dinner, medics were en route, etc. I told the dispatcher that the front desk staff would be waiting for medics to arrive and would guide them up and I would go up and provide some basic aid.
Upon arriving at the room, I walked inside and I saw that this lady was going into full-on anaphylactic shock, puffy face and everything. Her husband/boyfriend/SO was just standing there with a concerned look on his face and told me, ‘I don’t know what to do.’
I thought to myself, ‘Come on guy, you’re going to be dating/married to someone who is deathly allergic to something and not learn at least a basic level of knowledge on what to do just in case she, ya know, starts DYING.’
I instructed him to bring me her purse, figuring if she was THIS ALLERGIC she most likely had an EpiPen in it, and I had him dig through it. Luckily, I was right. I administered the EpiPen and began monitoring vitals as I waited for medics to be brought up.
After about five minutes, medics came in and took over. I started watching the door to prevent any wandering good samaritans from walking in and stayed present to be extra manpower if it was needed.
One of the medics began asking the husband questions. He asked, ‘How did the seafood get into her system?’
‘Oh, she ordered the shrimp scampi from room service,’ the husband states.
‘Is this allergy new?’ The medic asked.
The husband replies, ‘Oh no, she’s been allergic for as long as I’ve known her.”
The medics and I basically all rolled our eyes and a booming telepathic thought from the medics and I echoed through the room, ‘Are you serious?’
This medical had nothing to do with drinking-related stupidity. Just good old-fashioned regular stupidity. The kind the church approves of.
The medics next statement to the husband was, ‘If she’s THIS allergic to it then why did she order it and why didn’t you stop her?’
He had no comment.”
“Years ago, in the ’90s, I was the Director of Security at a fancy five-star downtown hotel.
I participated in a monthly meeting with other hotel Security Heads hosted by the local police. At one of these meetings, the topic of The Banquet Imposter came up. Apparently, there was an older woman, not entirely unattractive, who had been discovered in attendance at Banquet functions that she was not specifically invited to. She would dress nicely and attend weddings, fundraisers, and social events, mingle with the guests, have a few drinks, and blend in.
She was well known to local police as her first trick was showing up at businesses in downtown office towers saying she was the new employee, and try to go work. She was, apparently, articulate, convincing, and, at times, charming.
She was also certified crazy. In all cases, her undoing would be when she’d start talking.
She had been petty trespassed from most downtown office towers and had recently started frequenting hotel banquet functions. Actual guests would try to figure out who she was at first; Aunt Mildred from Frank’s side of the family? Cousin Becky’s piano tutor? Uncle Freddy’s third wife? Sometimes she would last the whole night, other times she would be exposed within minutes of arrival.
She had been kicked out of functions at several other hotels and had probably attended events at our hotel without being exposed, but it was only a matter of time. We shared a picture of her at the monthly meeting and posted copies in the banquet office and service areas. We also knew her name.
The call came several weeks later. A banquet server recognized the lady as a guest at one of her tables. She probably would have stayed under the radar but during the salad course, she made a big deal about not having pine nuts as she was allergic. The server complied, but then the crazy lady found one, allegedly, and threw a fit. She couldn’t produce the actual nut (we all know who the actual nut is!) and wanted to speak to the Manager.
The server went to the kitchen to find the banquet manager and as she was relaying the story she glanced at the picture on the wall behind him and made the ID. The manager called my dispatcher and waited for me at the ballroom service doors. A junior officer and I arrived in short order and confirmed her identity from across the room. She had a distinctive hair color and style.
I asked the manager to go to speak to her and sent my junior officer to back him up. I suggested he ask her to come to his office to discuss compensation for the pine nut incident. I took the back way to his office and let myself in. I was already inside when they arrived. The banquet office was barely big enough for a desk, let alone four people!
Inside the office, I closed the door and she started talking about how much money she should get and I just shut her down. I told her I knew who she was, what her gig was and she could spare me her baloney. I told her we were going to take her off the property, she was not welcome back, and if she did return she would face charges.
She walked right up to me, I am 6’5” and 240 lbs so I towered over her, and she yelled, ‘Who do you think you are?’
She punctuated each word by poking her pudgy little finger hard into my chest. I batted her hand away and she came right back with an open-handed slap across my face that took me totally by surprise, snapping my head back. It hurt, but my pride hurt more at being caught off guard in front of my junior guy.
My officer was on her in a flash and despite her size, she put up a good fight. The only thing in our favor was that my guy got one cuff on her before she realized what was happening. We fought with her for a few minutes until we got the other wrist. We finally sat her down in a chair, we were all breathing hard and my guy was explaining to her that he was making a citizen’s arrest for assaulting me. I called dispatch to have the police summoned.
It took 15 minutes for the police to arrive, two cops; one was a female officer and the other one was the biggest cop I had ever seen, before and since! Wookie sized! He was standing in the doorway and ducking so his head fit under the door frame. As soon as the crazy lady saw the WookieCop (WC) she started crying that she was innocent and that we hurt her, and that she was having an allergic reaction. She said her wrists hurt from being cuffed. She was playing it up pretty well.
The female cop came into the office, WookieCop wouldn’t fit, and asked us to remove our handcuffs, that they would take it from there. LadyCop(LC) was consoling the crazy lady and helped her out of the chair, turning her back to me so I could uncuff her. I shook my head and said I didn’t think that was a good idea. I suggested the lady cop put her bracelets on before I took ours off.
The crazy lady screamed out, ‘It Huuuuuurts!’ at that moment.
Lady cop said to me, ‘I’m not going to ask you again.’
I said, ‘OK, just remember, this was your idea!’
I put the key in and turned it, and the cuff ratcheted open. The crazy lady snatched her still cuffed hand around in a roundhouse swing that caused the loose cuff to smack the lady cop across the bridge of the nose, then she ducked towards the door and in an ill-advised escape attempt ran directly into the wookie cop. He pushed her back into the office and followed her in. The Banquet office became a human maelstrom, there were six of us now.
The desk was overturned, clipboards wiped off the walls, chairs smashed, filing cabinet fell over, we all fought for at least five minutes all the while the wookie cop was bellowing, ’stop resisting.’
It came to a crucible when the crazy lady got her hands on the butt of the wookie cop’s glock. It was safely holstered, but the wookie cop stopped being a gentleman and he smacked her in the head with his catcher’s mitt-sized hand. It made an amazing bousch sound and all the fight drained out of her, she just went limp.
The lady cop got her cuffed and they took her out of the destroyed office. Everyone took a minute to compose themselves.
They took our various statements and there were further charges after they left with her including her trying to kick out the back window of the radio car. Also during the intake search at the jail, they found a gram of coke in her purse. We never saw her again and I found out about 18 months later she was tried and convicted of enough of the charges to get her 48 months.”
“In my country, a black ward was a secure hospital ward to protect patients against an outside threat. It was usually very controlled access, the layouts weren’t publically available, and there are no visitors. It was like the lockdown hospital within the regular hospital – most patients are victims of violence, and a black ward would be where a public official would be sent if there was an attempt on their life that injured them.
Anyway, an angry wasted visitor showed up. She was screaming at the information booth person asking where her girlfriend was, and she wouldn’t calm down so the info booth person called us.
We eventually got the information on the patient, search it up – the patient’s black warded. All we could say at that point was the patient is in the hospital but isn’t accepting visitors. We told the girlfriend that, she lost it. We told her she has to leave but it was very obvious she was not in a position to drive safely – we checked her pockets for an ID, find she also has a public transit pass. We put her in a taxi that accepted the public transit pass and sent the taxi to the address on her ID.
A bit later, we learned the crazy ‘girlfriend’ we sent home was wanted by the police for slipping the girl GHB, kidnapping, assault, and beating the patient we had – who was a random person from a bar.
Luckily, criminals aren’t very smart so she came back a few hours later. Did the same thing – through a tantrum in the triage hall at the nurses. We came, she screamed at us, and she hit my partner right in the face. So we restrained her to the ground (gently) on her back, one of us laid on top of each wrist while another guard who came put a spit hood on her and laid across her ankles waiting for the police to come.
Police came, she was arrested. We took her to the police van for the officer and my partner noticed she has a giant knife in her pocket. We told the officer and hold her arms up onto the van so he can disarm her, but she had another idea – jumped, kicked off the van, and ran.
She went back into the hospital, ran into a restricted patient care area via an electric door halfway through closing. We badge ourselves and cops in there, find her stabbing the plexiglass at the nurses’ station. It took a few shots of pepper gel into her face to get her to drop the knife, we repeated and the police took her.
She later ended up being connected to six different incidents of playing a girl with substances, kidnapping her, abusing her, and beating her. She’s serving a life prison term.”