Anyone who works with customers has a crazy story or two, and that is especially true for delivery drivers who see their customers in their natural habitats. From
The Story Is Worth More Than The Tip.
“I delivered pizzas in Westchester, NY and there are some celebrity residents. One day I delivered to a very nice house. I rang the doorbell, and who opens the door but Kevin Spacey. He asks me how much and I tell him $39.37. He then pulls out two $20 bills from his wallet, looks at them awkwardly, and yells back into the house, ‘honey, do you have any singles?’ A response from somewhere. ‘no.’ Kevin Spacey gave me a 63 cent tip.”
Extra Work, Extra Tip.
“Once a customer asked if I would throw this bag of fish guts in the dumpster on my way out. I looked at him like seriously and said I’d do it for three bucks. He balked at my offer and then I reminded him that I’m the pizza delivery guy, not the garbage man. He gave me the three bucks and the bag.”
Fed Stoners Are Happy Stoners.
“The best delivery I ever had was to a medical marijuana dispensary in Colorado Springs when I was in school. They’d ordered over $80 of our most random menu items– desserts, appetizers, pastas. I get there expecting a huge party and it was just two stoned guys and a dog. They were so happy to see me and gave me the biggest tip I ever got!”
Unexpected First Delivery.
“It was my first delivery ever. I walk up to the gate and see this old lady sitting on a bench swing. I ask if she ordered any pizzas. Her head snapped to my direction and she angrily flipped through the magazine. I could see that all the faces in the magazine had been scribbled out with black marker. I was terrified, but I had pizzas and a new job. So I opened the gate and made it to the front door. This guy answered and went back inside to get the money. When he got out of the doorway I noticed there where 9 people sitting in a circle, and the one right in front of me was a fellow in a wheelchair masturbating. I freaked out for a second until I realized it was a “special” house.”
Girls Sticking Together.
“I was a shift manager at a sub shop that delivered until 3am. We used to get calls from the local strip clubs all the time. We quickly figured out that the strippers would either not tip (or poorly tip) a male driver, but they would crazy tip a female driver. So we made sure we sent our one female driver on those runs. She would always split the tip with the driver who had been on deck when the order came up.”
It’s A Conspiracy!
“I go to knock on the door and it’s covered in weird signs (biohazard, no trespassing, caution, etc). The guy answers the door and he is about 50 years old with long, messy, grey hair, wearing only a lab coat and the only light on is a strobe light. Guy: ‘Who are you?’ Me: ‘I’m here to deliver your food.’ Guy: ‘Why should I believe that?’ Me: ‘Um, I’m holding it right here?’ Guy: ‘Fine, take your money. You should get out of here though, this place will be crawling with feds any minute.'”
He Likes More Than Sausage On His Pizza.
“I gotta get this off my chest, because it was one of the most horrifying deliveries I’ve ever made. I get a delivery to this trailer park. I knock on the door and an older gentleman answers, I tell him how much it is and he asks me to come in and set it on the table for him. As I go to set it down I notice there are tiny bugs crawling EVERYWHERE. Before I set the pizza down the dude just goes over to the table and brushes some bugs out of the way. It was like nothing was wrong.”
Just Leave The Pizza On The Porch.
“I had a delivery to a house that was in one of the rich neighborhoods. When I finally get to the door, I see an envelope taped to it. There is nothing written on it except ‘Domino’s’ on one side, and ‘leave on doorstep’ on the other. Inside is enough money to cover the pizza and a tip. I look around kind of awkwardly, before setting the pizzas on the doormat, and putting the money in my pocket. While I’m walking back to my car, I turn back around to look at the house, and lo and behold, the pizzas are no longer on the doormat. I didn’t hear a door, and it hadn’t been but 4 or 5 seconds since I had turned around. I also notice as I was getting back in my car, that there were cameras all around the perimeter of the house on the walls, painted the same color as the house to blend in.”
It’s Going Up, On A Tuesday.
“Guy opens the door, and the first thing I notice is the stripper pole in the middle of his living room. There is a woman behind him, hard to see as ‘mood lighting’ was set. Then I notice him, a middle aged man with his perfect eyebrows and make up on, standing in his robe with a boner pushing out his boxers. While oblivious to his anatomy, he was rather pleasant. This is suburbia, Illinois, and it’s like 8pm on a Tuesday.”
That’s Not Tupperware.
“We get a call for a decent sized order. I head up to the door and am greeted by a 30-something female. Then another one comes along to help with the food. Then a third woman with something draped over her shoulder appears. It’s. A. Dong; double-headed; black; floppy. So it turns out that I went to a sex toy version of a Tupperware party.”
“I delivered to a sixteen year old stoner who managed to hot box his whole house. He did not realize he had gotten his four year old little brother higher than anyone I’ve ever seen in my life. The little boy screamed ‘pizzzaaaaaaaaa’ for a minute straight while he tried to run to the front door. He was so uncoordinated he ran into three different things on his way to the door.”
“One night I got a delivery to some really shady apartments. After knocking I heard a low groan and some stumbling footsteps. After waiting for about a minute, the door finally opened. Standing in the doorway was a lady with her face, hands, and tee shirt covered in dried blood. ‘Uh… I’m… the pizza guy?’ I stammered. She looked down at the pizza and made a grunt of understanding and pulled out her purse. While she was fumbling for cash I peered into her apartment. There was a what looked like a small pile of cocaine on the table. What really unnerved me though were the children’s toys all over the floor. My heart stopped soon after when I heard a baby cry come from one of the bedrooms. I called the cops the second I got back to my car.”
Only In Florida.
“I had a friend who got robbed by a guy dressed as Darth Vader… TWICE. No idea if it was the same person or not. Never deliver pizza in Florida, y’all.”
A Delivery Boy’s Ultimate Dream.
“I was delivering 4 pizzas one evening. As I approached the house, it was darker than normal, and as I rang the bell, I heard rustling in the bushes next to the walkway. I was concerned at first, but then this really cute girl in her early 20’s answered the door. When business was done, I turned to walk back to my car and was promptly tackled by 15 or so similarly cute girls, all fighting each other to stick their hands down the front of my pants. Apparently I had stumbled into a sorority party, and they had devised a contest to see who could touch the delivery guy’s bare penis first. In this contest, I won.”
Cult Members Have To Eat Too.
“I was delivering to a trailer park. I walked up, knocked on the front door, and the guy who answered was bald and all dressed in black. He asked me to come in to set the pizza down. I ask ‘Where do you want me to set the pizza?’ His answer was, ‘Oh, anywhere but on the coffin.’ Sure enough this guy has a full coffin with a giant pentagram and runes and crap written all over it. There were also about 8-10 people sitting against the walls of the room, all dressed in like black cloaks and hoods, sitting there swaying back and forth in total silence, staring at the coffin. The guy saw my immediate distress and said ‘Oh, don’t mind them.’ I very quickly concluded business and GTFO of there. He was a good tipper though.”
Someone’s In The Doghouse.
“I rang a doorbell and a guy answered wearing only a pair of really tight shorts. He was about to pay me and take the pizza, when he looked up, smiled and said, ‘Hey wait, would you come in and set it on the kitchen counter for me?’ I followed him around the corner where I found his wife/girlfriend completely naked and spread eagle on the kitchen table, apparently waiting for him to return. She saw me and screamed and jumped up and ran out of the room. All the while this guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t catch his breath.”
The Silence Of The Goats.
“I was delivering inventory to a convenience store. Not a meat market, mind you, but a Pop-Tart, soda, cigarette type of place. Guy tells me to put the bins in the back room. I wheel my cart into the back room and in the sink is a dead goats head. Just the head, in a sink, with it’s face frozen looking like it was killed in mid-scream.”
“When I was a young college student, I lived in a crappy apartment above a pizza shop. The owner asked if I’d occasionally deliver pizza when they needed someone. He said ‘do not ever, EVER open the box of pizza, do you understand?.’ Young and stupid me figured it was because the pizza would get cold. I’d get mad good tips. That’s because a couple of years later the guy got busted and it turned out I’d been delivering drugs via these pizzas.”
Nothing Sexier Than A Delivery Driver.
“I was delivering sandwiches one night. Two VERY drunk, half naked girls opened the door. They paid for the food, giggling the whole time, and asked if I wanted to come in. They were hanging all over me. One of them kissed me on the cheek. Pretty sure they wanted one of those porno-like delivery man scenes to go down. Had to turn them down, as I was taken and my girlfriend worked at the same store and was there waiting for me. Sorry ladies, only so much of me to go around ;).”
His Night Took A Turn For The Worst.
“I had a delivery to my side of town. As I was driving by my house I noticed that the entire front yard was full of police and there were news vans parked in front on the street. Turns out one friend had murdered another friend.”
“I used to deliver mattresses. One day our delivery truck broke down at the store so we took my coworkers pickup truck. It was a full sized mattress and box spring, so we tied it down on the way there. Once there, we discovered it was the wrong box spring, so we had to take it back to the store. We thought it would be safe to leave it untied in the bed of the truck. When we were going 60 mph down the busy highway, I remember hearing a loud thunk and looking back to see the box spring flying away like a f—ing kite. It barely missed an SUV and by some fluke of probability, landed perfectly balanced on the middle barrier between the two highways. We stopped the truck and waiting for a break in traffic, carried the box spring back to the truck and drove carefully back to the store. We still never told the manager about that incident.”
“I once arrived at a house and as I walked to the door a cop rolled up. He came and stood next to me waiting for the owner to answer the door. Finally a really old lady came, said oh that is who he called. Apparently her husband died immediately after calling in the order.”
Don’t Do Drugs.
“I delivered Thai food for a while. One night I made a delivery into a s—-y apartment. I hear loud music coming from the door. I knock. No answer. I knock harder. A really hot girl answers the door wearing a bra and jeans. ‘Oh hi, how would you like your tip?’ I just stand there dumbfounded. Before I have a chance to say anything a huge black guy comes walking behind her and takes the food. He proceeds to say, “Know what nigga? I’m fittin for my chicken pad thai right about herr”. He hands me a stack of $1 bills and says ‘There’s a $4 tip in there. Don’t do drugs.'”