It sure seems like Mathew Horace Jones thinks of himself as quite a mischievous Cheshire Cat that hates liquor stores. He hated the prospect of a liquor store so much that he broke into a construction site, jump-started a forklift and went nuts. By the time this mad hatter was finished, he had done more than $100 grand worth of damages that all the kings horses and all the kings men had no chance at putting together again. That is pretty impressive, yeah? More impressive was his excuse. He didn’t tell police that he was late for a very important date, instead, what he did tell them was much, much better.

The reason for his wanton destruction? A hookah-smoking caterpillar sitting on a mushroom told him to do it. He even told police his own name was “Alice In Wonderland.” Now, we don’t know for sure, but something makes us suspicious that the supposed caterpillar wasn’t the only thing in this story on a mushroom or maybe mushrooms. We’re pretty sure Mr. Jones just might have had some chemical help with his rager.

By the time Mr. Jones was finished with his rampage, there was $100K in damages done to the construction site and the site itself was completely destroyed. The tally for the damages included $40K in scaffolding, $15K in block and mortar, a $7500 mixer, $1500 in mud pans and $4000 in fencing. Plus, the $15K forklift, which was also destroyed. They estimate the clean-up costs are another $60K in labor alone. The Red Queen would surely be calling for his head!

All in all, I’m sure the caterpillar was pleased. And Jones will be pleased he gets to keep his head, but he’ll probably still be less pleased when he finally does comes back to this side of the looking glass. He was charged with grand theft for the forklift and felony criminal mischief for the destruction. As a previous felon on probation, it looks like he may be spending some time in a different kind of Wonderland, one more like HBO’s Oz. One with an exercise yard instead of a giant chess board, moldy bologna with gang members instead of tea parties with Mad Hatters, and corrections officers instead of Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

So if you ever arrested for destroying a liquor store, just remember the immortal words of Jefferson Airplane:

“If you go chasing rabbits, and you know you’re going to fall,

Tell ’em a hookah-smoking caterpillar has given you the call.”