Did I Just Hear That Correctly?
Did I Just Hear That Correctly?

>>> "Some girl was talking on the phone about a guy she was with and how he kept putting it in the wrong hole and she didn't know if he was lying to her about it being an accident."--

>>> "I was using Lyft line. Two girls were in the backseat and one trying to convince the other to sleep with her single dad as a favor to her. The driver and I just looked at each other."--

>>> "I overheard a little kid asking his mom if he could come along with her to babysit and she replied, 'No, they don't trust you.' Her son goes, 'What? I've only accidentally killed a baby once.' I tried not to laugh. In all seriousness, it was just unexpected."--

>>> "My brother's junk is surprisingly big."--

>>> "I'm a public bus driver in a college town. I had a student shouting across the bus that everyone needs to get their chest pierced because it will "complete their life."

You Certainly Wouldn't Want To Be His Fiance
You Certainly Wouldn't Want To Be His Fiance

>>> "Two dudes I picked up were coming out of a San Antonio Spurs game. They seemed like nice enough guys. I even stopped and went through the Whataburger drive-thru for them. After the initial chit-chat, they settled in and started talking random stuff. They begin talking about one of their bachelor parties which sounded like had happened pretty recently. It was normal bro type talk about the dancers and partying and how their buddy brought way too many illegal substances. Say what now?

Then the story takes a more graphic turn. The bachelor begins talking about doing these substances off dancers and the dancers are doing it off of him and then him winding up fooling around with two dancers at the same time. Then he starts talking about how he's been doing it with the dancer on the side ever since the bachelor party but how after he gets married he's totally going to straighten up. I'm pretty sure they had totally forgotten that I was even there until I pulled up to their apartment to drop them off. I got a $20 tip and a chocolate milkshake from Whataburger."

Can You Say,
Can You Say, "Ew?"

>>> A guy told his friends, 'Only cool people get HPV.' I pretended not to see his incoming high five."--

>>> "I had a frat boy boasting rather proudly to his fellow frat boys about the time he took hallucinogenic substances, pooped his pants, and then fooled around with someone."--

>>> "I drove an Uber a few times for extra money. I picked this girl up outside a frat house around 10:30 p.m. on a Friday. She got in the car, and said to me, 'Oh my god, you're my savior. I just had to get out of there.' Soon after, she gets a call and it goes like this, 'Yeah when he told me I freaked out and just had to leave. I mean, it's treatable so it's fine but I have to tell Ryan.' This girl was talking about getting an STD on the phone while in my front seat."--

>>> "I had a group of really young college girls, all gussied up and headed to a nightclub, talking about different kinds and brands of farm tractors. And one of them said they really like 'that Lynyrd Skynyrd guy.' I contained my laughter until they were out of the car."--

>>> "One time, there were three people in my cab: two guys and one girl. They were talking about how many man-parts they've sucked. One guy was on four. The other guy didn't tell. The girl won for 'uncountable sucks.'"--

>>> "A buddy of mine used to drive taxis once in a while. Two guys got into the car. Five minutes into the drive, one of the guys says, 'Hey! It's my boyfriend's birthday. Do you mind if I go down on him in the back?'"

Miss Independent
Miss Independent

>>> "I was an Uber driver for about a week. I had this lady get into my car and I could tell something was wrong. I asked her how she was and started her trip. Soon after she got into my car, someone was calling her. She was yelling up a storm about her awful broke boyfriend. Then she was fired up, saying that he didn't come home last night with her new car. She said he's meeting with his probation officer this morning and that he can't miss it. I start to realize that I'm driving this chick to go look for her car because her shady boyfriend stole it.

As I arrive at the Municipal Building, she's telling me I can pull over wherever. My city is medium size, but the parking is all over the place. This poor woman was late for work because of her deadbeat boyfriend. I couldn't let her walk around aimlessly looking for her car. So I offer her 10 minutes of my time to drive around looking. As we are driving she's telling me all about this jerk. She's trying to call him and leaving him several voicemails. Finally, he calls back! They are yelling at each other. He was trying to tell her that he was 'getting her tire fixed because of a rock.'

Afterwards, I'm feeding her Miss Independent alter ego telling her she deserves better and that he won't ever change. About eight minutes go by and we find her car! We started hooting and hollering. I pull up in front of her car and wait to make sure it's hers. She unlocks her car, opens the front door and quickly slams it. I see this chick run to the back seat open the door and then start beating someone up! In my head, I'm thinking, 'Oh dude, you deserve that!' As I'm watching in awe, I see her drag another girl out of the car by her hair. It was absolutely insane. I still get this weird adrenaline rush thinking about it. I'll never forget that look Miss Independent has when I asked how she was. She nodded, got into her car and drove off."--

Best To Keep That To Yourself
Best To Keep That To Yourself

>>> "There were these two girls getting a ride at around 3 a.m. They had both been partying heavily but one was way more inebriated than the other. The one was who was in the worst state was trying to get the more sober girl to go to a swinger's party. I heard her say, 'I've known this dude since he was 6 and I really want to do it with him.' Then she tried to get me to help her convince the other girl to go to the swinger's party! Of course, I remained neutral and dropped them off at their house. I never knew if they went or not."--

>>> "'Did you tell your mom to add me as a beneficiary to her Halloween decorations when she dies?' The other passenger's response, 'Yeah, she changed it last week. Oh my God, it's gonna happen like, so soon.'"--

>>> "I once picked up two elderly ladies who must have been around 70 years old and one of them had to use a walker. During the drive, the one with the walker began to tell her friend about this new man she was seeing and then proceeded to describe their intimate life to her friend. There was also a story in there about her daughter catching them in the act recently. Ew."--

>>> "Last time I was in an uber, it was four friends and me (all of us guys) and one of my friends is gay and totally open to talking about it, so the whole cab ride the driver had to listen to four guys ask questions like, 'So if you're a bottom, is that like a definite thing or do you switch?' He seemed to find the line of questioning weird but funny by his reaction at least."--

>>> "My uncle was a Lyft driver for three years and has worked his way up into corporate. He told me a story one time about how he was driving a group of people to a party when one of the girls asked another gentleman to hand her a bag of illegal substances. He said the gentleman grabbed a glad bag filled to the brim with the stuff and handed it to her. When she noticed my uncle looking she told him, 'I'll flash you if don't say anything.' He told her he'd rather have a large tip to which she obliged."

The Village People Have Arrived
The Village People Have Arrived

>>> "I used to drive a van service for my university. It was mainly boring but sometimes got interesting on the weekends when people were partying. I'm cruising down a side street one quiet afternoon shift when this huge dude steps out and signals me. He's standing there with four of his friends, all of whom are equally giant and was asking if I could take them across campus. Now, even though I had only talked to the dude for a few seconds, it was clear he was on something and that his friends were even more so. Did I mention they were in costume as the Village People? Naturally, I think this is too good to pass up and I let my dispatcher know I'm taking an unplanned pickup. Meanwhile, these four massive guys start folding themselves into the tiny van seats.

As we pull out, one of the guys starts freaking out and is telling his buddies he was way overserved and thinks he's going to die. Now, he didn't look that bad, but I was in no mood to clean puke off the floor. Fortunately, his relatively sober friend told me all was well and reminded his buddy that he had been drinking a beverage with no effects. Now, I'm relieved but the guy on substances behind me is having trouble processing the fact that he's not about to meet his maker. He knows he had way too much of it and since it also tasted like it contained the hard stuff, the idea that he might not actually be heavily feeling something isn't sticking. He and his buddy have this fantastic back and forth that starts with an explanation of how it's possible to make a beverage without the hard stuff, which ended with some borderline heartfelt assertions of brotherly love. Now, I'm struggling not to lose it throughout this whole exchange, but things were starting to calm down as I pulled over to drop them off. It was as they were getting out of the car that one of the other guys, up until this point passed out in the back seat, chimed in: 'Wait, why the heck did we buy a pack of those beverages?'"

Surprise Blind Date
Surprise Blind Date

>>> "My pick-up calls me and says her mom wants to meet me first before she'll let her daughter get in with a stranger. I actually have to get out, introduce myself, and convince her I'm not going to assault and murder her daughter. After about two minutes of me turning on the charm, it turns into an almost 'first date' where you meet the girl's parents. The mom loved me, gave me a cheek kiss and sent us off. Then the daughter and I flirted all the way to the club she was getting dropped off at and she gave me a kiss on the cheek too. So that's it. Just a slightly strange, wholesome, fun encounter."--

Say What?
Say What?

>>> "When I did Uber, I overheard two girls talking about whether or not they were going to poke holes in their boyfriend's rubbers. I got pretty freaking mad about that."--

>>> "I picked up a passenger very early in the morning. It turned out that he was a local jam musician. He said that in order to make good music one has to be sad or angry, and then he went on to list all of the musicians that have killed themselves over the years and how they are the best ever."--

>>> "One night when I was driving Uber, a woman was getting berated by her boyfriend for partying with her friends on her planned 'girls night out.' Her phone wasn't on speaker but it loud enough for me to hear all the derogatory names her boyfriend threw at her. Getting close to her destination, her boyfriend comes out like he's the perfect gentleman. 'Thank you for bringing her home safely, blah, blah, blah.' What an absolute jerk."--

>>> "I had a couple get in my car and that woman was tearing the guy apart. 'I can't believe you did that, these people are our friends. You need to call them up and apologize.' The guy is on the verge of tears and she literally does make him call up the friends to apologize. His crime? He crossed the street to get a piece of pizza without telling his girlfriend."

Orange You Glad That Ride Is Over?
Orange You Glad That Ride Is Over?

>>> "I had a middle age woman going to a spirituality church (which is a church that celebrates a religion in which they believe in spirits, reincarnation, etc). She was alone and I heard her speaking to someone. I assume she was trying to talk something to me, and I asked, 'Can you repeat that, please?' and she said, 'Sorry, I have an orange in my mouth.' I never heard this expression before as it's not popular in my country and I don't know what that means. I'm not sure it even meant anything. After some time, I heard her talking again, and she was clearly having a conversation with someone. She was asking questions, answering questions, etc. I looked at her and she was not on the cell phone or anything. When I dropped her I asked, 'How many people are in this car?' and she gave me a bad look. That was definitely the weirdest Uber experience I've had."

There Are Three Different Types Of People
There Are Three Different Types Of People

>>> "As an Uber Driver, I have three stories that stick out:

Once I gave a ride to a large Jamaican man who was on his phone the whole time with his earbuds in so he could gesticulate wildly. He constantly referred to himself in the third person. He was a rapper and the whole time he was talking with someone about how awesome he was and how he turned down a $400,000 recording contract because it wasn't enough, and how in three years, he would be dating Rihanna. I looked him up afterward and found a couple articles from a few years earlier about him being a promising rapper, but nothing since then and certainly nothing indicating he was anywhere close to getting big.

I had one guy who was taking a couple calls from a Craigslist ad he put up. He said something about how his aunt worked for an insurance agency, and if they signed their name on this life insurance policy, they would get a check and they could split it with him once they cashed it. After a few of them declined, he asked me if I was interested and I told him I didn't want to commit whatever kind of fraud he was proposing. I thought about trying to report him to whatever bureau covers that, but his plan seemed so stupid he probably got caught anyway.

I picked up this high schooler who, after a couple minutes, started talking about how he had gotten arrested, completely unprovoked. He was quick to point out that it wasn't anything violent and it was for white collar crimes. What? He starts telling me how he got busted on tax evasion from selling weapons or something. The whole time, I felt like this was a weird thing to unload on your Uber driver. Then on the way, we had to stop by a bank so he could deposit a check or something. He said it would only take 30 seconds. After significantly more than 30 seconds had passed, I started to get concerned. His mom had requested the ride and I didn't even know his name. Was I the getaway driver or something? After a couple minutes of looking around and listening for police sirens, he comes out normally. There was traffic the rest of the ride, and I wanted nothing more than to drop this kid off and get out of here. He kept talking about how he's not a bad person and didn't hurt anyone. Eventually, I dropped him off and had to take a minute to compose myself. I feel like there's a good chance he was messing with me but nonetheless, it was a very unsettling experience."

Well Now That The Cat's Out Of The Bag...
Well Now That The Cat's Out Of The Bag...

>>> "I picked up a 'lady of the night' in downtown Minneapolis at 3 a.m. She gets in the car and is talking on her phone. I start the trip and see that she's going to Mankato, which is about an hour and a half southeast of the major metropolitan area. The ride starts out fairly normal as she isn't paying attention to me or what I'm doing. About 20 minutes in, she starts raising her voice at the person on the other end of the call.

From what I can gather it is her hustler and he seems to be furious with her for not bailing another girl out of jail who got caught in a sting the night before. Really, he just wants to bring her back on the same Uber ride to Mankato because he didn't want to pay for two trips. Her response almost made me pee my pants with laughter: 'That girl didn't pay me back the bail money from last time. She said not taking payment for doing my nephew was good enough.' What did I just hear?!"

Like Being In The Background Of An Awkward Romance Novel
Like Being In The Background Of An Awkward Romance Novel

>>> "A friend, who was an Uber driver for a few months, told me about one time he picked up two dudes from a bar late at night, which was a standard night for him. The guys start talking about random stuff and mostly ignored my friend. Then they start talking about their girlfriends. At this point, my friend tuned them out to focus on the road. Suddenly he hears some strange noises, turns around, and the guys are making out!

The guys who were just talking about their girlfriends are now full-on french kissing, grinding, and borderline getting naked. My friend tells them to stop and calm down. The two dudes break apart breathing heavily. One says to the other, 'Man, screw Beth.' To which the other replies, 'No, screw me!' Then they continue the ride talking about random stuff again. My friend says it was like being a background character in a romance novel; extremely awkward."

Take Your Business Elsewhere, Please
Take Your Business Elsewhere, Please

>>> "Back when I drove, I got to a pickup, and the passenger came out and told me he had no money on his debit card tied to the account but had cash on him. He wasn't going terribly far and tossed me $20, so I figured, 'Why not?', canceled the ride, and turned the app off. While we're driving, this guy starts talking about a couple of new weapons he just picked up and how great they were. This turns into a conversation about how he is a dealer and needs protection and what not. He apparently took a liking to me and asked if I wanted to start dealing with him on the side. He demanded my phone number so that he could get in contact. Fortunately, we were close to his destination so as he was getting out of the car I gave him a fake number and got out of there immediately. I didn't drive for Lyft/Uber much longer after that."

We All Know What That Really Means
We All Know What That Really Means

>>> "I started the ride off driving her to a sketchy part of a cruddy city to drop off money to her friend. She is on the phone with who I'm assuming was her boyfriend talking about the approach and logistics of her 'money drop off.' As she gets out and walks to her friend, she doesn't realize I can see the entire transaction in my side door mirror. I don't understand why dealers think dropping things on the floor disqualifies them from incrimination. Obviously, she was really bad one.

She gets back in the car to her second destination for an awkward silence lasting all but five minutes until I break it with, 'You know, I really don't care what you do, I just want five stars' as politely and unthreatening as possible. She starts to giggle and I follow with advice to be careful because she could be reported, and that we were all trained during our initial seminar to leave people like that and call the police. I couldn't care less. Five stars and a tip make all your problems disappear! She explained she usually just takes the ride there and calls for another one if she feels uneasy about it. I'm glad she didn't. Bad neighborhood and wouldn't want something terrible to happen to the poor girl."

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