Fireman Carry
Fireman Carry

My very first fare. It was January in West Michigan, I had just bought a new car and it was rear wheel drive.

3 people get in my car, one is very drunk. When I drop them off at their place, the other two can't get the hammered one inside. So I get out of my car, and fireman carry him into the house, all while the other two are laughing their butts off and Snapchatting me.
When I go to leave, my car is stuck in the snow bank and I can't get out. Luckily, the other two offered to help me out and pushed my car out of the snow bank, and I drove off.

I got a 5 star rating out of that whole mess so, it's all good.

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Beer Tips
Beer Tips

I picked up a few guys that were planning on going to a friend's hotel room to drink. They brought along a garbage bag full of Bud Light. On the way there, they decided to go straight to the bar instead. When we got to the bar they left without the bag full of beers, and when I pointed that out they told me that I could keep it as a tip.

That was 3 weeks ago. I still have a bunch left.

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Scoring
Scoring

I once got in an uber alone after a night of drinking and my driver was kind of sweaty and looked like he just ran or something. When I asked him how his night was he told me that his last fare was a cute girl who was pretty drunk and started making out with him when they got to her place. She starting giving him head in the car and then asked if he wanted to come in.

Needless to say he was having a better night than I was.

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Assault and Battery
Assault and Battery

I am an Uber Black driver.

A few months back I picked up a man and woman in their 40's from a restaurant. They were clearly not having a good time, still arguing about something. Towards the end of the ride he punches her in the face as hard as he could. When we pull up at the destination he pulls out a knife and starts to threaten her and me. I tell him to take it outside and I drive away. I couldn't help but feel bad for that woman so I drove to the county Sheriff dept. and told them what happened. Luckily the Uber Black cars have a camera inside that recorded the events. When the sheriff looked at the video he asked for the address and they arrested the guy. I also reported the incident to Uber, they called me and took a recorded statement by phone.

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Moving Makeup
Moving Makeup

My dad is an Uber driver in Dallas. A few weeks ago, he got a call to a wealthy home in one of the suburbs. He showed up and a woman came out with a makeup kit. Apparently, her daughter was at the ACMs and forgot her makeup. He delivered the kit to a nice hotel near the award ceremony, and the dad came out and tipped him an extra $50 in addition to the preexisting charge.

My dad informed the man that tips weren't required. His response was, "Hey, you just saved me a drive home for some makeup."

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The Reason You Need Plastic Seats
The Reason You Need Plastic Seats

Funny story actually...my friend is a uber driver too and he was telling me how this girl peed in his car and how funny yet utterly disgusting it was. I am out driving the following week and this passenger was telling me how she peed in some guys car the previous week. I was in such fear and she made a comment how I began to drive faster...when we got to her destination and she got out I told her I knew the driver who's car she peed in. Other than that I haven't had anything crazy nor hilarious. I don't drive passed 2am for that exact reason.

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It's Tequila Time
It's Tequila Time

One time had a Lyft driver tell us it was tequila time, pulled out a bottle and shot glasses and had us all take a shot, her included. She then drove us to the bars

So there's that

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Rockin' on the Drive
Rockin' on the Drive

In Chicago. I picked up two guys from a Billy Corgan concert. They got in and wanted to play their own music. Asked if I like Queen. Yes. Yes, I do. Puts on Bohemian Rhapsody, turns it up. When that ended he asked what I like. I said Rush. He puts on Tom Sawyer. We jam. Then he puts on Van Halen. We jam. I pull up to their place and the dude in back was like "Great ride! We should have filmed that cuz it would have made an awesome Uber commercial!" It's people like that that make the night fun.

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No Chance of Sneaking in
No Chance of Sneaking in

Used to drive for Uber and one of the worst ones was when I roll up to a pickup at the end of a gated driveway to this huge house in Marin County to this ~14 year old girl in a nice cocktail dress, mascara running down her face sobbing. She gets in the car and I don't say a word since the name on the Uber request was a male's name. We drive towards another really rich part of the area and I notice her grinding her teeth and fidgeting. I pull up to this HUGE house with this sobbing girl in the back seat, and in the bay windows I see this silhouette of a man with his arms crossed just GLARING at the driveway. Girl gets out and she sheepishly says thanks and I tell her to have a good night.

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An Uber Ride and Then an Ambulance Ride
An Uber Ride and Then an Ambulance Ride

I had a girl get so wasted she passed out. I couldn't wake her for anything. I called the paramedics and they had to slap the annoyance out of her to wake her up.

"Hey J, are you ready to go to the hospital?" "woo... Let's go........" "Alright she said it! Let's move her out!"

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Too Drunk to Provide an Address
Too Drunk to Provide an Address

One of my favorite stories as a taxi driver was like this. I pick a guy up from the bar, and from the get go, he's too drunk to tell me his address. After 10 minutes or so, I call the cops out to see if they can get him alert enough to go home, which they do.

Of course, as soon as we leave, he passes the heck out. One 25 minute drive later, we pull up to the house. I tell him we're here. No answer. I tell him louder. Still no answer. I yell at him, and he doesn't even flinch.

At this point, I sigh and try knocking at the door. After a few minutes, this lady cracks the door ever so slightly and gives me the evil eye. I ask her if she has a husband, yeah tall, bald, and drunk, and tell her he's in my cab passed out. She sighs, sets a shotgun down next to the door (3 am, I understand), and comes out to the guy.

Of course, he's still passed out. She yells, nothing. Pinches, nothing. Gets to the point where she's full arm slapping the guy in the face to wake him up, which he finally does, at least enough to get him stood up and out of the car. She turns to me, grabs his wallet, and asks how much he owes me.

Dude takes the opportunity to faceplant onto the concrete driveway, like he's trying to headbutt it into submission.

We get him inside and on the couch, where she proceeds to give me all the money in his wallet, as well as going upstairs and emptying hers as well (about a 200% tip).

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A Little Extra Money
A Little Extra Money

Didn't happen to me, But a Uber driver was telling me about his customer before he picked us up.

He had a New Zealand guy with a bunch of suitcases/equipment and had to take him to the Jettys in Fremantle (Western Australia) as there was some huge Military boat/ship that was docked there and this guy was sent from New Zealand to take some footage of it. The guy dropped him off and he turned to him and said "How would you like to make some quick cash if you help me out with something while we are here". He then asked the driver to fly a Drone around the ship for him, while he recorded about 30 secs of footage from the drone of the ship. Apparently the drone was worth about $15,000.00 and he scored $200 just for flying it around for him.

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Peep Show
Peep Show

Around 2am I picked up three people that seemed to be late-40's-ish, two guys and a lady, all quite drunk. The destination is less than 10 minutes away, but the moment they climb in the car, the two in the back seat, the lady and one of the guys, get really hostile. She's drunkenly threatening to punch him in the face while the guy in the front seat eggs her on and the guy in the back seat keeps half-yelling that he is chill. Super chill.

It wasn't too difficult to figure out that the source of the conflict was that he was interested in getting with her and she wasn't having any of it. Sort of.

As I'm beginning to consider pulling over and having them get out for fear that a real fight is about to break-out in my back seat, the guy in the front seat suddenly changes his tone and starts suggesting that they all should be friends. His plan for patching things up consisted of her showing them her boobs. It took her about 15 seconds to decide that it was a solid plan and happily presented her pleasure pillows for their peeping pleasure. (She was seated behind me. I didn't bother sneaking a peak. I suspect I didn't miss much.)

It culminated with the guys touching her boobs in a manner reminiscent of a pair of 8 year-olds petting a hedgehog. We arrived at their destination, another bar, a couple minutes later. They got 5 stars.

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A Sitcom Story
A Sitcom Story

Lyft driver. It's a Friday night, and I pick up a couple from a bar, girl was crawling into the car drunk, and her boyfriend was like "BEBB!! BEHBB!! BAAAYHGHGBBE!! GET INSIDE THE LYFT!! Oh hey, what's up bro (to me). BAAAAABBBE!!"

After she spills into the backseat I asked where they were headed. The bro tells me the address, I assume it's his apartment (spoiler: the night's not over, it's another bar.) I was parked in a bike lane on a busy one way street, and I turned on the car, and looked in the rear view to see if I was clear to merge left into the one way. In my mirror I see a fountain of vomit spewing into traffic coming from my backseat.

Then a black Prius pulls into the bike lane right in front of me. It's the car that my currently unconscious passenger just threw up on, and I see the driver get out and go around to check out the side that was thrown up on. I'm expecting him to have pulled over to confront me, so I'm already expecting him to chew me out. I get out, and start apologizing, and explain I am a Lyft driver. Turns out he was a Lyft driver too, and he was actually picking up a passenger from the same bar we were in front of.

Sure enough, stupid BRAD comes out of the bar, very drunk, and yells at the other Lyft driver, "Are you Derek?! You look like the guy in this little picture!" He tried showing poor Derek the profile picture. Derek says, "Hey man, I just got puke on my car, I got to head home and wash it off. Sorry I can't give you a ride."

This is when I felt like I was in a darn sitcom episode. The guy in my backseat (he can be called Chad) had been staring at his phone in my backseat, avoiding everyone, but now he gets out of the car, and yells something like, "WHO'S THIS STUPID CHODE LOVER?!?!"

Brad yells, "What the heck are you doing here??"

"I was at Fourth Street, with Kelsea."

"NO FREAKING WAY, I was in there too! Is she passed out?"

"OF COURSE SHE IS DOING THAT. This girl better wake up, we're heading to Myth."

"NO FREAKING WAY I WAS HEADING TO MYTH FOR RACHEL'S BIRTHDAY!"

"WHAT THE HECK MAN?!?! THAT'S WHY I WAS GOING TOO!"

Now I am driving Chad, Brad, and Kelsea a few blocks to Myth, while nice Derek goes home to hose puke of his Prius. I have the loudest conversation I've ever had with these two bros (who are actually super nice) and find out that they are housemates, and hadn't talked about going to the same exact party on this Friday night. Then I find out that Chad asked Brad to be his best man only a month ago after Chad and Kelsea got engaged.

So how do two bros living in rooms across from each other, obviously spend a lot of time together, probably responded 'Going' to the same Facebook event, and should be the ones getting married end up not knowing that they were both going to a mutual friend's b-day bash, with bottle service, at a very posh bar? Beats me.

Oh yeah, Kelsea woke up when the car stopped and went into the bar with near perfect coordination. Girl just needed a puke 'n nap.

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A Collection of Short Stories
A Collection of Short Stories

I have a lot of stories (5000+ rides), but it would be too long to give details on all them. Here's a few:

The time I picked up star Marina Angel.

The night where I picked up a exotic dancer from Echo Park and had a very old lady of the night walk up to the car near Deja vu on Main.

The afternoon where I found a chameleon crossing the street in Burbank and rescued him. All he ever wanted to do was climb. I gave him to a reptile breeder in east Hollywood.

Two straight girls making out in the backseat after a drunken night, discussing details on "where this goes from here" with each other.

One of my first nights, I picked up an 18 year old girl from Hollywood and took her to downtown. She kept hitting on me and told me about how her friends would always get guys to pay off bouncers to get them into clubs.

Recently picked up pro skater Paul Rodriguez in the valley. Turns out we grew up in the same area.

Took a guy from downtown LA to downtown San Diego.

Passenger in South Central was using me for illegal runs.

99% of the time people aren't worth remembering.

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Dealing With Gangsters
Dealing With Gangsters

One time I had some latino gangster do illegal substance runs with me in Glendale and Silverlake. They had tattoos all over their bald heads. They spent like 140 over an hour or two. 2 funny things: we were at this Starbucks waiting on the one guy who was like arguing with someone outside it or something when the cops roll up so the other guy in my car keeps trying to call the guy inside to warn him or whatever but he doesn't pick up, so the guy in my car ditches the illegal substances out the window and is all layin low. Anyway dude comes out Starbucks with a caramel Frappaccino for me (lol) not a care in the world and we go on about their business. Eventually they've got this chick with them who goes and does a deal in a liquor store, and on the way home they're on their phones doing various business, and they each have like 4 cell phones they're juggling... so any way, funniest stuff, the one returns the others' call from Starbucks earlier and they're both on the phone for what seemed like 5 minutes before they figure out they're talking to each other and the whole car laughs their butts off like it's a movie. I was worried they were scamming the truck but the card went through.

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The Wrong Yard
The Wrong Yard

I was taking a cab back from a drunken night of karaoke with a few friends. My friend was up in the front seat talking to the driver. The driver asks my friend, "so have you guys been drinking?" My friend says we have. The driver responds, "me too."

Didn't find out this conversation took place until after we arrived at our destination.

The same friend talking to the driver once took an Uber home by himself, completely plastered. He ended up puking all over himself in the car but neither he nor the driver acknowledged it. He lived in the suburbs and once the driver dropped him off, he realized he was at the completely wrong address, several miles from his house with no public transportation. So he calls another Uber, but then realizes it's the same guy coming to pick him up and immediately cancels it. He had to wait 15 minutes in a stranger's front yard, covered in his own vomit, for the driver to get far enough away so he could call a different Uber. He later got a $150 charge from the driver for the cost of cleaning the puke out.

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A Ride and a Show
A Ride and a Show

One time I was driving this couple and I heard these furiously fast little claps in the back seat... Almost like someone was trying to start a fire. I pointed my mirror to see what the heck was going on in the back of my Mini Cooper when all I see is this Chode-a-saurus Rex getting beaten like it owed the poor girl money.

Needless to say, I think they were like exhibitionists or some stuff because the dude shot clue goo in the girls face once they noticed I saw them and that was it. I continued on to Whole Foods where they both winked at me as they exited. Some sick stuff.

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Late Night Munchies
Late Night Munchies

My friends and I got an uber driver to take us from our college to a taco-bell at 11pm. only the taco-bell was drive-through only so we had him drive through. and then because they wouldn't let us do two separate orders and a line had built up we had him take us to the McDonald next-door also. we did offer to get him something but he refused. and then we got back to campus and gave him a big tip. he did say this was the strangest uber drive he had had.

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You're A Real Wizard, Gandolf
You're A Real Wizard, Gandolf

From a friend: One average looking guy got in and insisted on sitting in the front seat. Soon after departing, he was fiddling with something in his hands, and finally said, "wanna see me make this paper clip disappear?" I was thinking oh heck, it's Dark Night time, he's going to "disappear" it into my eyeball or something. Nope, CD changer. It still doesn't work.

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Uber Driver!
Uber Driver!

I've been a driver for two months. I started just after they were given permission to operate in my area.

I like how most my pax are appreciative that I'm driving them home. I work the drunk hours as they pay the best in my market.

I haven't had any scary or bad pax, but one funny one sticks out. I picked up these two drunk girls at a bar and was about halfway to their house when the one girl asks how I like driving for Uber. I told her it's been good so far, and that I wish more people knew about the service. I said "Spread the word!" and the girl replied, half slurring her words, "I'll spread the word, then spread my legs...do you have a girlfriend?"

I laughed pretty hard and informed her I was married. Her friend apologized on her behalf and that was the end of that.

I get a kick out of how many pax call me "Uber Driver!" excitedly.

"Uber Driver! Turn up the volume!" "Uber Driver, I love you!" "Uber Driver, turn here! Turn here!" (I use Google Maps for nav, but if they want me to take a longer route, I'm not arguing.)

My wife's cousin last night asked me if I carry anything for protection, or if I'm ever scared that someone might try and carjack me while I'm driving them to their destination. I replied half-joking, half-serious that since almost none of my pax ever put on their seatbelts, I'd just floor it and crash into a parked car.

Fun times!

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On My Way to the Big House
On My Way to the Big House

One of my first Uber rides ever was a girl around my age, and I asked her a lot of questions about what her job was like.

She told me that just the other day, after only doing it for a few weeks, she met up with a guy somewhere in LA and his trip was getting paid for by someone else, who sent him off with her. She ended up driving him for over 2 hours to the middle of nowhere and any time she tried to talk to him to figure him out, he was basically ignoring her. She was too naive and new to the process that she wasn't sure what to do and she didn't want to leave a random guy in the middle of nowhere who obviously couldn't afford his own Uber ride.

So she takes him to his destination: prison.

Edit: The wording on the last sentence can be misinterpreted to mean she wanted to have him arrested. To clarify, he was reporting for his prison sentencing.

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My Boyfriend's House
My Boyfriend's House

Not me but my friend drives for Uber as a side job for extra cash.

Anyways, he once had these three girls who were all around 16-17 years old that wanted him to drive them to this party in San Francisco; about 45 minutes away from where he lives. He has nothing better to do so he does it.

So the entire ride there, they're (the girls) taking shots and rolling blunts and every time they'd speak to him it was always some sort of perverted comment like "You're hot" or "How big is it?" then they'd giggle about it. He brushes it all off as teenage girls just having fun, no big deal.

When they get to the destination they ask him if he wants to come inside and join the party, which he politely declines. He looks at the house and the neighborhood and it's evidently clear that it's one of the more expensive neighborhoods in the city; Pacific heights. The victorian houses you see in the movies.

He asked them who's house this was and one of the girl's replies "My boyfriend". My friend says "You're boyfriend's parent's must be rich" and she replies "Well, yeah, but this is HIS house". He leaves it at that. Me and him discussed whether or not she was dating some middle aged creep or some lucky kid who has his own multi million dollar house.

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Sharing a Meal
Sharing a Meal

I was visiting a new city with a friend, went to a party and as we were leaving we decided we needed to eat something. Asked the Uber driver to take us to the nearest Denny's and invited her to come along with us. Ended up sharing pancakes with her and she drove us back to our hotel for free.

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Raining Cats and Dogs
Raining Cats and Dogs

Again not a driver, but I had this really cool experience with one. We had just gone to an event with my college graduating class and it was absolutely pouring. We were in an area of the city that we weren't really familiar with, so when the Uber driver was calling us and telling us where he was we just couldn't see him (we weren't really on the street and were taking cover under a roof so we had some trouble making out the intersections). A minute passes and we get a call from the driver asking us where we are as he's trying to find us, as we explain we start to hear his voice getting louder as we see a man with a jacket running towards us. The man undoubtedly knew it was us calling and without any hesitation this man throws his rain jacket on one of the girls and just takes us running to his car. Pretty cool dude, 5 stars right there!

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