The UPS Truck
The UPS Truck

"Growing up we had the best dog ever. He was half English Bulldog and just the funniest guy with amazing comedic timing. He didn't look like an English bully at all though. He looked like a pitbull, at the height of pitbull fear in the 90's. Like many Bulldogs, he was fascinated by wheels. He loved to attack skateboard wheels, big wheels, etc. One of his favorite things was when the UPS truck would stop on our street. It got to the point that he would hear it coming and wait at the window. He got out once and chased one, but we caught him before he caught the truck. For 10 years, the UPS truck was his love and his nemesis. Anyway... We were on a family vacation and had to cut it short because he got very sick while at the kennel. We took him to his vet and learned that he had a very aggressive form of lung cancer (he had no symptoms until he was at the kennel. Had just been to the vet a few months prior). We had to euthanize him that day. He was that bad off. It was truly one of the most unexpected depressing events of my life. I took him outside for his final walk. Right across from the vet's office was a Wendy's (fast food restaurant). As I was walking him, and crying over how frail and sick he seemed, a UPS truck pulled right up to us. The driver jumped out to grab his lunch. Well...you know how they leave the doors open on those trucks? He perked up. He looked at the truck. He looked at me. I said 'Ok, go for it' and as weak as he was, he pulled me over to the truck. Hopped up into the passenger side and checked the whole thing out, tail wagging. Got out and got inspect all 4 tires. For his last hurrah, my sweet, goofy boy finally caught his UPS truck." Source

Stop Messing With Greg
Stop Messing With Greg

"I work at a daycare center and a few weeks ago I was alone outside with 10 prek and kindergarten kids. There is one kid in the class who is undiagnosed (parental denial at its finest) but defiantly on the autism spectrum. The other kids are all awesome with him and it is a wonderful group who all support and care for each other, enter new girl b_tch Satan child who gets joy out of preying on the weaker children in the herd. We are outside and this little c_nt makes it her life's goal to f_ck up the little boy on the spectrum (let's call him Greg). She follows him around pushing all his buttons and hitting him and as much as I separate her from him and make her sit out from playing and yell at her she just keeps waiting until I turn my back to help another kid to go and f_ck with this little boy who at this point has melted into a puddle of anxiety and disfunction and is slipping into his state of self harming that happens when he loses it. I go up and cuddle him and calm him down to where he is playing happily with a ball again. I turn my back to stop the other two boys using the little bikes we have on the playground as bumper cars and as I turn back around I see this little btch slowly creeping up on Greg again about to absolutely finish him. I am about to loose my sht on this girl when suddenly out of left field this one little boy (let's call him Dave) screams at b_tch girl 'LEAVE HIM ALONE' and from across the playground charges at this girl leaps in the air and strait up tackles this girl taking her down, HARD, and preventing her from getting to Greg. He then stands up while she is on the ground bawling and says 'it's not fun when someone messes with you is it' turns and walks away. The most amazing kid justice I have seen in a while and although I as the teacher should have punished him for tackling a kid, I just pretended I didn't see when she ran up to me sobbing and told her to go sit at the picnic table and calm down. Later that day I took him aside and told him he is a good friend and gave him a sticker. I'm a terrible teacher for this entire scenario but I was so proud of that little boy for protecting Greg and teaching that little c_nt a lesson." Source

Pop Goes The Boat
Pop Goes The Boat

"I was pretty much a toddler at the time. My parents had bought a brand new inflatable boat for a few hundred dollars. They had fully inflated the boat and were testing it out in the backyard. While they were sitting in it, I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, went back into the backyard and stabbed the boat, right in front of them. My dad went berserk." Source

Touché
Touché

"I was at a swank bar for a work outing, entertaining some grad students we mentored for an entrepreneurship program. After we had all had several drinks, one of the students said they don't like cigars because they 'taste like a.' My boss replied, 'maybe you haven't had good cigars.' So I cut in, 'maybe you haven't had good a.' I was asked to leave."Source

The Dollar
The Dollar

"When I was in third grade, I was chilling in the bathroom a kid walks in and pulls out a pack of gum. I said, 'can I have a piece?' he said 'sure'. Another kid named Preston walks from behind and asked the same thing to the gum kid. The gum kid said that was his last piece, Preston turns to me and offered me a dollar for my piece. I weighed out my options, deciding to give the gum to Preston. The next day I see Preston, I say, 'hey, did you bring my dollar?' He says 'no'. The next day I come up to him and ask the same question, he says, 'I'll bring it next week'. I'm starting to get annoyed, getting angry at myself for giving him the gum. The next week comes, I ask again, he says, 'in fourth grade'. now he thinks its a fking game, little does he know I'm very persistent. Every couple days I would remind him, he would say the same thing 'in fourth grade'. The first day of fourth grade I come and find him, I ask him again, 'where is my dollar?'. He bumps it up another year, saying 'fifth grade'. Again I bug him every couple days. Now this went on for a couple years, in 6th grade, he said he would give it to me in jr. High, in jr. High he said he would give it to me in high school. In high school he said 'on graduation', now I'm holding him to this, we will most likely never see each other after that so it's then or never. 3 years later it's graduation day, 9 years since I gave him the gum. I walked got my diploma, everything was going great, but in the back of my mind, I knew my actual goal for the day, get my fking dollar. I walk through crowds of people, still can't find him just as I'm about to give up, I look over and Preston is standing there holding the dollar. My eyes light up, finally, I got my dollar, I grab it hold it in the air and yell. I gave him a hug and he told me, 'Dyl, that gum was f**king delicious!" and we parted ways." Source

That's Dedication
That's Dedication

"One time I ate 26 chocolate chip cookies because I was mad at my little sister and didn't want her to have any. I puked all over the place." Source

The Bathroom Pipe
The Bathroom Pipe

"This one time in 9th grade, my friend and I decided to use the restroom before a big test. I didn't give a sh_t about this test, so I playfully pretended to get really pissed off. In attempt to be obviously not mad, I kick a pipe on the top of a urinal, accidentally knocking it out of the top of the toilet. It was still connected to the wall however. Turns out, I could aim the pipe in different directions. So, I aimed it straight out and tried flushing the toilet. The water LAUNCHED OUT OF THE PIPE AND HIT THE WALL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. My friend and I were flipping out. This gave me a bright idea. I put the pipe in such a spot where it looked like it was prior to us kicking the f*_k out of it. However, I pulled it out ever so slightly so water would spray our next unsuspecting victim. I remember kids coming out of the bathroom drenched in water, cussing their brains out because they were so pissed. Good times." Source

Maine And Lobsters Don't Mix
Maine And Lobsters Don't Mix

"One time I went to Maine and lobsters were only $3 so I ate five of them and puked all over the lawn." Source

Procrastination Saves Lives
Procrastination Saves Lives

"This is really late and no one will probably see this but back in middle school I wanted to go home so badly because I didn't study for a math test that I faked appendicitis by saying I had a pain in the right side of my abdomen but they sent me to a clinic or something to get tests and, you guessed it, I had appendicitis and had surgery that day. Turns out my appendix was a few days away from rupturing. Procrastination saves lives kids." Source

That's Not A Good Smell
That's Not A Good Smell

"I just came back home after 6 weeks to discover that at some point during that time the breakers tripped and the house was without electricity for a long time. You can imagine what happened to the freezer. But you probably can't imagine the smell. I am not looking forward to cleaning it up tomorrow." Source

Those Are The Rules
Those Are The Rules

"I'm a preschool teacher. One of my students sheepishly asked me if it was okay to ask me a question. I, of course, assured her she can always ask me anything on her mind......She then says, 'Only mommas can say mother f**ker, right?' 'Yes, only mommas.'" Source

Awkwarddd
Awkwarddd

"A while ago me and my then girlfriend decided to give swinging a go. We spent a few months getting fit so we wouldn't be as self conscious. Ended up going to this party organized on a country estate. We had a few drinks and a look around. Went into the orgy room only to see my step-mom getting spit-roasted by 2 guys while my dad jerked off. F**king awkward. Turned my girlfriend off swinging..." Source

Asian Tourists
Asian Tourists

"I frequently walk my dog at a ravine near my house (In toronto). On more than one occasion, a Chinese tour bus has pulled up, and flooded the ravine with old asian women who proceed to take pictures of me and my dog. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I just think that somewhere I'm in some old asian womans' slideshow." Source

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